Sending Flowers? Easy on the mush, Dude

Johannesburg, 10 May, 2010 So you think you're suave. Sophisticated. A metrosexual. A man of the world, who's not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve, or to publicly woo his lady love with flowers and chocolates delivered to her workplace.

Just one word of warning: Boo-Wifey, Moemfie and Fluffy Bunnybutt might not be as delighted as you think when you "out" them with their pet names in front of their colleagues.

Alas, this is a basic error made by far too many well-meaning men, says Ryan Bacher. And he should know: he's the managing director of NetFlorist, which delivers thousands of bouquets and gifts across the country every day - sometimes with unexpected consequences.

Take the silver-tongued devil who thought he'd impress his lawyer lady with some flowers to celebrate her new car: "Congrats on the cabriolet!" he warbled. "I'll bet you can't wait to get your top off and show off a bit." Quite.

"What made this one really special was the fact that the card was opened by the receptionist at the legal firm in question - and she showed it to half the company before the intended recipient could retrieve it," says Bacher. "Embarrassing stuff."

But wait. There's more. "If sexiness were measured in methane, you'd be a dairy farm." Charming. Or this one, which also wasn't fully thought through: "Starfish have no brains - and if I ever let you go, I'll be a starfish."

Here's the advice from Love Guru Bacher: keep it simple. Some of the messages that pass through the NetFlorist doors will make your average girl run for a restraining order rather than the sender's ardent embrace.

There's the sickeningly sweet: "You are a delectable peach... you should be adorned with cream." The bizarre: "You make me feel all warm and fuzzy, like I'm covered with ticks, but in a good way." The downright creepy: "Even through the curtains, I see your every move. I will wait for as long as it takes."

"I sometimes cringe when I see what guys send to their loved ones," says Bacher, himself a reformed writer of card bloopers (his low point, admittedly when he was 18 years old: "You make me howl at the moon / like a demented baboon").

So here, from the horse's mouth, is the definitive list of do's and don't's when trying to impress with a gift.

• Lose the pet names. Moeks, Otterjasie, Creampie and Slobberchops are all very well in the privacy of your own home. But when your co-workers get wind of your loved one's dark secrets, things will never be quite the same at work again. They are destined to a lifetime of sniggers. And you are destined to a long, dry spell in the doghouse.
• Don't highlight the bad stuff. I mean, why go into graphic detail about your mistakes, especially when you're groveling for forgiveness? "Sometimes I forget to say hi, sometimes I forget to kiss you, sometimes I don't even reply" doesn't make you sound like Willie Nelson singing "Always on my Mind". Chances are it's going to make you sound more like Akon, singing "Lonely".
• Easy on the insults. If she's had an unfortunate accident with her contact lenses that's left her with an eye patch, this is not the time to rub it in with "Arrrrr, me jolly pirate wench!" Or this: "Schnookums, you're sexy, intelligent, smart, friendly and yet so high maintenance." Sigh. You almost had Schnookums. But you lost her.
• Keep it clean. Some messages are just a little too ... er, intimate ... to be delivered to a public place. Remember, chances are that a secretary's going to read the card first, warns Bacher. "I want you 60 times a day" is bad enough. "I'll take you to the Candyshop, I'll let you lick the lollipop" is way too much information for her colleagues.
• Lose the "timeless classics". Any variation on "roses are red" is a no-no. Big no-no. Also, be aware that these have been used just once or twice before: "Life's a journey, not a destination"; "Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is a gift"; and "Love you lots and lots like Jelly Tots".

"Rather just let the gift speak for itself," says Bacher. "A simple 'I Love You' can go a long, long way. It's the thought that counts. Not your poetic abilities. For the truly tongue-tied, NetFlorist can help: it now offers a selection of greetings on its website, www.netflorist.co.za, to help wannabe Romeos woo their Juliets more appropriately," concludes Bacher.